Snow White Was Always My Least Favorite Disney Princess
Mike Makowsky
Break

He told his parents that he was taking the semester off from Cornell to explore the country coast to coast, Kerouac-style. Except instead of the 1949 Hudson, he'd be trekking it in the Rover. And instead of having Dean Moriarty as a companion, he'd be traveling solo. In order to truly find himself, "and I mean really discover my niche in the world," he would have to temporarily eliminate all personal ties. His mother, after consulting various parenting blogs for an hour, worried he'd be spending too much time alone. But Jake assured his mother that the only company he'd need would be that of "the 3,000 song badass road trip playlist I spent a month creating."

However, by track 147, The Verve's "Bittersweet Symphony," approximately six hours into his semester-long baptism, poor Jake was overwhelmed by a powerful sense of loneliness. He picked up his first hitchhiker off the I-95, a forward-thinking hipster from Vassar who inspired Jake both to annex Arcade Fire to his playlist and to hotbox his Range Rover for the first time. In Wilmington, Maryland, he offered the passenger seat to a crazy old Vietnam vet with one leg who happened to be quite adept at Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon. And then, on the outskirts of Orlando, he had found Snow White standing on the side of the road, her yellow gown hopelessly tattered and her seven little rescuers nowhere to be seen.

Her real name was Fern, she said, and she was originally from a forgettable small town in Montana that Jake would be sure to check out when he got that far west. She wanted to be an actress and, not to brag or anything, she'd been the female lead in a local production of Glengarry Glen Ross, but ultimately life had twisted and turned in such a way that she ended up in Florida. Her roommate, a Pocahontas, had convinced her to interview for the Little Mermaid role at Disney World, on account of her being a natural redhead. Unfortunately, the only available position had been that of Snow White, and on account of her being shit-broke, she dyed her red hair jet-black. She found the working conditions poor, the kids annoying and the other princesses cliquey. Her ass had been grabbed on numerous occasions by bored dads in Hawaiian shirts and once by Baloo (of Jungle Book fame, and he happened to pinch the hardest despite his lack of opposable thumbs). She had stormed out that afternoon and had been waiting ever since on the side of the road for her Prince Charming to pull up in his Range Rover.

Fern performed the entire aforementioned paragraph for Jake in the span of about three minutes, word for word, and by the time she got to "Prince Charming" he knew he'd lose his virginity that night.

But as Jake lay there in the back of his car, parked illegally in the woods, waiting for Snow White to get back from her post-coital urination in the bushes, he couldn't help but wonder whether or not Glengarry Glen Ross had any female characters in it at all.

Upon her return, Snow White finally introduced the very naked Jake to her seven dwarves, straight out of their cottage in the woods. They all packed heat and they took an immediate fancy to Jake's Range Rover, his wallet, and even his badass road trip playlist. Snow White herself fastened the cuffs around his wrists before Dopey knocked him out cold with a baseball bat.

Mike Makowsky is currently enrolled at Brown University as a sophomore, majoring in Literary Arts and Modern Culture & Media. He is originally from Oyster Bay, New York.